What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:20
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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She wouldn,t have been !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So, i spoilt her more .
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I waited trembling.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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This is soul school!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was in good health!
I said to her
I don,t even have a pension.
I was very sick at this time too.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.
So whats the point in blame.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I have no regrets .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We all went to grammer schools
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I think the readers, may guess!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She loved him until the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Put me off passion for life!!
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was seconnd youngest,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My life is so biszare .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.